Archive for the ‘Television’ Category


TV Licence Authority. Auntie’s Enforcers.

September 15, 2007

What is it with these people? Could they be any more determined to pick a fight? I’m on my third threatening letter in as many months and await my visit from the ‘London South Enforcement Division’. A quick summary of the story so far:

June 2007 – first contact. A red bordered letter in a similarly styled envelope, lots of bold lettering etc. with a charming little section at the end about the possibility of a visit, which could entail a statement being taken in accordance with the ‘Police & Criminal Evidence Act 1984′. Nothing like getting a relationship off to a good start. I am now determined to drag this out as long as possible and cost them as much time and money as I can. It’s going to be tough though. All I have is too much time on my hands and a vague sense of persecution. Their weapons, paid with taxpayers’ money, are an office full of drones and machines endlessly spewing out these threats. Many have been down this road before me. Let the battle commence.

July 2007 – second letter. Nice big red caps this time. “Your details are being passed to our enforcement officers”. And what’s this?…”If you are continuing to watch..television programme[s]..” Note that the possibility that I wasn’t watching in the first place appears to be ruled out. Apparently I will be getting a visit soon. Good. I’ve been waiting.

August 2007 – third letter. Now I have an “OFFICIAL WARNING” (as opposed to the official vague and unconvincing threats that I previously received?), but this time they’ve dropped the red ink. It’s now in nice calm blue. They have obviously caught on that I’m not really that scared of colours. Where’s my visit? I’m assured that it’s definitely on the way soon, and my statement may be “the first step towards prosecution”..I’ll be “added to the National Enforcement Database” (oh no, they have a database – this must be like the sex offenders one, but probably worse) and so on. Can you imagine the meetings where they come up with this stuff? How many names did they consider before arriving at ‘National Enforcement Database’? It’s perfect really, each word carefully chosen to convey a sense of authority and menace and yet the whole is actually completely meaningless.

What strikes me as the really nice side of all this, is that this is the way our publicly funded tv network corresponds with the old and vulnerable, when the ‘database’ thinks they haven’t coughed up. Charming. I await my visit with anticipation. My statement is well and truly prepared.